The day of reckoning has come, the day that months’ of hard work and feverish expectation has led up to, the day that your child’s examination results come to light.
As parents, we all picture that day as one of celebration when our children are justly rewarded for their efforts. But what to do when your child’s scores are lower than expected or, heaven forbid, when they fail one or more subjects?
Just as there are appropriate answers your child needs to supply during an examination, so too are there appropriate ways for parents to respond to subpar results or performances.
1. Don’t take your disappointment or anger out on your child
Parents are only human, and it’s only natural for you to feel a mix of negative emotions from disappointment and anger to regret and guilt.
You may even consider yourself justified in feeling this way. Did you push your child hard enough? Could they have been more receptive to your coaxing and encouragement? Was your preparation strategy tailored correctly?
However, these questions are all moot at this point. There is little to gain from giving voice to your anger or disappointment, or from dwelling on what is past. The chances are that your child will also be feeling angry and disappointed with him or herself, and burdening him or her with the added weight of your feelings could cause some lasting damage to their confidence and self-esteem.
Children are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable compared to adults, especially when unpleasant experiences are associated with those close to them.
For this reason, you should also guard against the temptation to compare your child to his or her friends, relatives or even siblings. No one likes to be compared, and your child’s successes and failures should only ever be measured against his or her own qualities.
2. Offer your support instead of your blame
Instead, what your child most needs at this moment is your unconditional love and support. Sit down with your child and get them to tell you how they feel, and then let them know that no matter the result, the love you give them will not change.
The value of the bond you share with your child goes far beyond numbers on a page that will soon be superseded by next term’s results.
Encourage your child to pick him or herself up and try again. If there have been slight improvements compared to past results, do let your child know that you have noticed, and appreciate their efforts. However, you should also be careful not to sugarcoat the results and lull your child into complacency. As always, try to strike a balance between being too draconian and too permissive.
3. Determine why your child stumbled, and make adjustments
Striking that balance is easier said than done. Many parents assume that lack of effort or laziness is to blame, but the fact is that effort is only one of many factors that determine success in school.
To know whether you are being too harsh or too lenient, you must first find out the actual reason or reasons why your child performed poorly.
This is an exercise that takes effort, and becomes easier if you involve others in the process. The most important person to involve is, of course, your child. Your sense of the issue may be correct but could equally be wrong, and it’s best to make your judgement only after hearing from your child directly.
Did his or her poor performance stem from lack of interest or from struggling to cope with the difficulty level? Was he or she overconfident, or could your child have benefited from more substantial notes and lesson materials?
What you do next can differ to a large degree depending on the issue you identify. Speaking to your child’s teachers can also help to fill in more of the big picture, and is something that we at The Learning Lab encourage.
4. Set reasonable expectations
You should also not be too quick to rule out the possibility that your disappointment and anger might arise from mismatched expectations.
For example, if your child has been struggling with English for a few years, expecting a miraculous improvement from a fail grade to an A after just three months of tutoring may be a little too optimistic.
Expectations can also have a more insidious long-term effect if they persist in the absence of communication between parent and child.
For example, a child who has just made the leap from Primary 6 to Secondary 1 may be struggling to fit into his or new class, but may feel pressured to maintain his or her stellar results from primary school.
This is why the setting of expectations should always follow after checking in with how your child is faring at school. What you don’t know, you cannot cater for, and that can lead to your child bearing the weight of unreasonable expectations.
5. Let your child take ownership for his or her results
Finally, the best thing that comes out of the entire process may be letting your child learn how to take ownership for his or her results.
From helping him or her process their feelings, to encouraging them to set their own goals for the next term, you are teaching your child how to be independent and how to bounce back from failure. This is something that you can and should be far prouder about than your child’s grades!
The Learning Lab is now at 9 locations. Find a location that suits your needs.
If you have any questions about our range of programmes or class schedules, you may contact us at 6733 8711 or drop us an email at enquiry@thelearninglab.com.sg.
Building Back Stronger for the Future
How you respond when your child does not score well in their examinations can make all the difference between scarring them emotionally and imparting the tools and the strength to do better in future.
At The Learning Lab, we believe in a nurturing and constructive methodology that focuses on the grade of our students’ character and mindset, rather than their academic grades.
Resources to Support Your Child's Learning Journey
Download this comprehensive quiz that allows your child to discover the extent of their strengths and weaknesses and chart their own learning progress.
Standardised exams need not be the only way for you to understand where your child stands leading up to their end-of-year examinations and beyond.
In this article, our Lower Primary English Subject Head shares her insights and tips on how you can track your child's progress in school.
The Learning Lab is now at 9 locations. Find a location that suits your needs.
If you have any questions about our programmes, please email us at enquiry@thelearninglab.com.sg or call us at 6733 8711 and we will be happy to assist you.